


Silly Humans

by definitelynotregan



Category: The Bright Sessions (Podcast)
Genre: Cat POV, Comedy, F/M, First Time, Present Tense, Sexual Roleplay
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-24
Updated: 2018-03-24
Packaged: 2019-04-07 05:34:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,022
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14074020
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/definitelynotregan/pseuds/definitelynotregan
Summary: How come Sam is allowed to roll around in bed meowing with MARK, the best human ever, but Darwin is not??? CAT OPPRESSION. (Mark and Sam's first time... from Darwin's POV.)





	Silly Humans

A knock on the door startles Darwin out of a nice sleep, all stretched out under a late afternoon sunbeam. He gives a little “mrrp?” before jumping up and running meowing for the front door. Mark is here!!! Sam opens the door, and Darwin winds around Mark's legs as the boy walks inside. Mark is a good boy. He needs to smell more like Darwin, not other cats and houses. And he needs lots of wet food, because he is skinny like a beat-up stray. But he is still a good boy.

“Hey, Darwin.” Mark picks Darwin up and smooches him. “How's your day going?”

Darwin purrs loudly and headbutts Mark’s cheek. Sure, Sam is great, and she really knows how to open a can, but _Mark_. Darwin loves Mark a lot, even if he could stand to drop meat on the floor more often.

“I swear, he likes you more than he likes me!” Sam laughs and kisses Mark.

“That’s not true,” Mark says.

Oh yes, it is true! Darwin flops against Mark’s chest to prove him wrong, purring and giving Mark tiny little grooming licks.

“Dinner’s almost ready,” Sam says. “Ignore the note in the kitchen saying when to pull it out. I was nervous about disappearing.”

“No worries. I would have saved dinner.”

“I know you would have.”

Sam kisses Mark on the cheek. Yes, good. Mark deserves all the kisses. Darwin kisses Mark’s hand.

Darwin cuddles and nibbles on Mark’s ankles while he sets the table. But then Darwin has to go running for the kitchen—Sam is taking the BIRD out of the oven. Darwin jumps onto the counters to sniff.

“No, Darwin! Down!”

But why does Darwin have to get down??? There is a perfectly good, hot, steamy delicious BIRD on the stove, ready for eating??? Darwin pouts as Sam brings the bird and some leaves and other plant things to the table.

“Do you want any chicken, Mark?”

“Yeah!”

“I would like some chicken,” Darwin interjects, translated, “Meow?!?!?!”

“No, Darwin. Get off the table!”

“Meow?!”

“How was your day?”

"Meow!!!"

“Oh, you know. Had coffee with my sister, did a little day drinking, applied for a dozen jobs, got ready for tonight. How about you?”

"Meow!"

“The usual,” Sam says. “Played with Darwin, did some work, got ready for tonight. That last one took a lot longer than expected.”

"Meow!"

“I was going to say you look especially pretty tonight,” Mark says.

"Meow!"

“Thank you! I was going to say you looked especially handsome.”

"Meow!"

“Why thank you, ma’am.”

Sam giggles. Mark tosses a little piece of chicken under the table when Sam’s not looking. Darwin munches it and then settles onto Mark’s lap and kneads his thigh.

“To be honest, I sweated through two other dresses before this one,” Sam says.

“From the cooking?”

“From the nerves.”

“Aw. You know, we don’t have to do anything tonight. We can keep taking it slow.”

“No! Honestly, Mark, I’m ridiculously sure. Like, ‘can’t stop dreaming about it’ sure. I want to know what all the fuss is about. It’s an exciting new adventure, and I don’t want to have it with anyone but you.”

Mark pets Darwin under the table. “I won’t lie, I’m really excited to have sex with you, Sam. But if you change your mind at any point, just say so.”

“See? This is why I know you’re the right person to do this with the first time.”

“And hopefully lots of times after that, too.”

“Yes! Sorry, I just meant… I wasn’t trying to say....”

“Sam, it’s okay,” Mark laughs softly. “I wasn’t making fun—”

But there's a soft whoosh as Sam disappears.

“Great,” Mark says. “I’ve already fucked it up.”

Darwin doesn’t know what Mark’s talking about. More time with Mark all to himself is always nice.

When Sam comes back, Mark hops up and pulls her into a kiss. Darwin meows unhappily and rubs against Mark’s leg. It’s not right that Mark stopped petting Darwin. He should pet Darwin ALWAYS. Still, Darwin can't be too mad... Mark is the best human, but that doesn't make him smart.

“I’m sorry, Mark. I’m messing this up already.”

“There’s nothing to mess up,” Mark said. “Just be yourself.”

“I don’t remember how to do that.”

“Then maybe we could be other people. Just for a little bit. You could be a hacker, for instance.”

“Okay, yeah. I'm Sam the hacker.”

“You're on a mission to uncover the truth about the AM. And I'm an astronaut.”

“You're what?”

“Been on the space station two years. Atrophied muscles. Lots of missed pop culture.”

“Okay… But why are you hanging out with a hacker?”

“Good point. Okay, I'm the hard-hitting photojournalist slash regular journalist who’s going to publish the dirt you uncover about the AM. We're meeting for a drink to talk about it.”

“A drink sounds great right about now.”

They wander into the living room. Mark shakes two drinks for them. Darwin hides under the couch until the loud shaking noise stops. Mark and Sam sit on the sofa together, and Sam cues some lounge-y jazz music. Darwin re-discovers his favorite mousey under the sofa and works on disemboweling it.

Mark hands Sam her drink. “Are you sure you weren’t followed?” 

“I’m sure.”

“Good. We can’t be too careful. This shit is life or death.”

“Meow?” Darwin hops onto the sofa, dropping his favorite mousey onto Mark’s lap.

Mark chucks the toy into the kitchen, and Darwin goes tearing after it.

“I thought you were setting me up when I first got your email. I mean, Samantha Barnes, the world’s greatest hacker, contacting an unknown journalist like me? But then I read your files—”

Darwin spits his toy onto Mark’s lap. “Meow!”

“Darwin, dude, not now.”

Darwin paws at Mark’s leg. “Meow?!”

Mark sighs and throws the toy again. “But then I read your files, and I knew you were the real deal.”

“So you’ll help me?”

 _Drop._ “Meow!” _Throw. Ptt-tt-tt-tt-tt-tt—crash._

“Maybe. But first, you’ll have to convince me.”

“How do I do that?”

His pride bruised a little from crashing into the broom and dustpan, Darwin trots back into the living room and hops onto the sofa. He licks his leg nonchalantly to prove he knew what he was doing all along.

“You’re a smart hacker, Barnes. I’m sure you’ll figure something out.”

“Do you mean… like, sex?”

“Yeah, that would do it.”

Sam swallows hard, then leans in to kiss Mark. He grabs a fistful of her hair and kisses her back.

“Could it be?” Mark strokes one finger down Sam’s jaw. “I’ve got the mighty hacker Samantha Barnes trembling with desire.”

“Shut up.” Sam rolls her eyes. “Don’t flatter yourself.”

“Too late. I'm flattering myself so hard I’ve already bought myself a drink and complimented my shoes. I think you want me, Barnes."

"And I think reporters are kind of full of themselves."

"Hey, we're about to break the biggest story since... I dunno, Watergate? I think a little confidence is in order. Anyway, maybe we should head to your hotel room to finish this conversation?”

 _Humans. So strange._ Darwin climbs into the warm space between their legs and methodically licks his balls.

Sam giggles. “Mark, I seriously think Darwin’s trying to cockblock us.”

“Noooo!” Mark picks Darwin up and kisses him, much to Darwin’s delight. “We’re buddies. He would _never_.”

Darwin headbutts Mark’s face. Mark is a good boy and needs to smell like he lives here, just in case he meets any stranger cats. Those assholes need to know Mark is Darwin’s, not theirs.

“See? He loves me.”

“Right. So anyway…”

Mark sets Darwin aside. “Yeah, where were we?”

“Sex.”

“Right!” Mark drapes his arm over the back of the couch, behind Sam’s back. “You can show me you’re real and not the AM with some sex.”

Darwin kneads Mark’s jeans. It’s so cozy, sitting there. Darwin remembers the good times as a kitten, nursing from his mother until he fell asleep. He chews gently on Mark’s pinky.

“What?” Sam asks.

“It’s Darwin,” Mark says. “He’s digging his claws into me and chewing on my finger.”

“Darwin!” Sam sounds exasperated. “Let’s just go to the bedroom. He can stay here.”

“Right. Your place, Barnes?”

“You know it, _Bryant_.”

They get up. Darwin stays put, very intent on licking himself. It’s a few minutes later before he notices they’re even gone. He looks around, and—joy of joys! It’s time! It’s finally time!!! The best time of the day!!! Bedtime!!!!

Darwin bolts across the room, unable to believe his good fortune. Mark is lying on the bed, ready for naptime. Mark’s paws are even leashed to the headboard to make sure he doesn’t get out of the bed before he gets a proper nap! Smart Sam! Mark still needs his rest. Darwin leaps onto the bed, purring as he trots across the comforter.

“Darwin, no.”

Darwin ignores Sam’s swatting and climbs onto Mark’s naked chest.

“Uh, hi there.”

Darwin licks a drop of sweat off Mark’s nipple.

“Oh, geez, that tickles! Sam—”

“I’ve got him. Come on, Darwin.”

Sam reaches out, and Darwin flops onto Mark’s face. _Ahhh, so comfy._ Darwin rolls around, rubbing his scent all over Mark. Mark’s human nose is so great for back rubs! Darwin purrs hard, lying on his back with his paws in the air. Mark makes a noise into Darwin’s back.

“Darwin!” Sam laughs so hard her face turns red. “Oh my god. Ahh!”

Sam falls off the bed and keeps laughing.

“Sam?” Mark spits out fur. “Are you okay?”

“He—” Sam laughs so hard she chokes on her own spit. “He’s using your face like a bed!”

“I’d rather—” Mark nudges Darwin down onto his neck. “Pleh! Cat fur. I’d rather you use my face like a seat.”

That just makes Sam giggle harder. “I’m sorry, I can’t take you seriously with Darwin lying on you.”

After a few minutes, Sam crawls back onto the bed and scritches Darwin’s tummy.

“Darwin?”

He ignores her.

“Darwin, do you want some wet food?”

“Meow?!” Darwin snaps his head up and nuzzles Sam’s hand. Of course he wants wet food! Of course Sam is his favorite human! Hasn’t she known that all along? He loves her more than anyone else! He loves her nommable fingers and the way they can open cans. “Meow!!!”

“Well, let’s go, then!” She stands in the doorway. “Come on, Darwin! Wet food!”

He winds around her ankles all the way to the kitchen, meowing the whole time. Sam and Mark both laugh. When Sam starts opening the can of food, Darwin jumps onto the counter and tries to help.

“Oh my god!” Sam exclaims. “He acts like I haven’t fed him in weeks!”

“Meow!” Darwin protests. It’s true! She hasn’t fed him in approximately 800 weeks!

“You haven’t fed him in weeks?!” Mark asks in horror from the bedroom. “Poor Darwin! Better feed him seven cans of wet foods!”

“Meow!” Darwin agrees.

Sam and Mark laugh again. Finally, after HOURS of Sam teasing him by opening the can as slowly as possible, she gives Darwin his plate of wet food. He immediately ignores her and gobbles up the flaked tuna.

Sam washes her hands. “Okay, we should have, like, ten minutes of peace.”

“Perfect. Now, like I was saying about you sitting on my face...”

“Mark!”

“I’m a sleazy investigative journalist. What did you expect?”

“Well, it’s no easy job, but if it will help me expose the AM, I guess I can tolerate sitting on your face your a while.”

“That’s the spirit.”

Darwin purrs into his plate of tuna while the humans make their funny mating noises.

“Oh Mark, wow!”

Mark gasps for air. "Good wow?"

"Yes, yes, holy shit! Stop talking and keep going! Holy shit..."

Silly Mark. He's not biting Sam's neck. He can’t even make Sam yowl beautifully, like a majestic cat. And how is Mark supposed to make kittens like that? Nothing is in the right place! How embarrassing.

That’s okay, though; Darwin still loves Mark, even if he’s no good at sex.


End file.
